18:55

I’m fine. Don’t need a drink. Don’t even want a drink. But I was still going to have one anyway. But maybe I won’t. We’ll see.

19:46

I went to the Family Mart where I often/usually buy my favourite highball, but it was shut. That’s weird. Felt like the universe telling me not to drink, especially if I don’t need to. So I went to Seijo Ishii and they had an even better Loch Lomond highball and I bought a beer for the evening at home. I drank the highball whilst enjoying the weird Christmassy lights of Sola City 🌆. I didn’t feel bad about it. I enjoyed it but I also caned it. I felt no different, I was already happy, already calm. It was a really long busy intense day, but because I set the schedule to a large extent and I’d done it well, the day was smooth AF. I didn’t need the drink though, but I didn’t guilt myself for having it either. I thought about why I had it. Was it a reflex? Was it a need? Was it a celebration? Or was it just a “fuck you”? I have those too, but I don’t know who the “you” is I’m fucking? It’s probably me. Why do I fuck myself? Lol. Lolcry. FFS. For da lulz? Idk.

There is a little man next to me. He was kicking my bag and elbowing me as I stood in the non-space behind him on the Chiyoda Line. Then a real space, one facing the people sat down, opened up… With a handrail and everything! I took the space, put my rucksack on the overhead rack (14 people with access to that rack, all with big bags, only three people used it, me and the short angry elbow dude are two of them). Then I took off my coat and scarf, it’s hot because of the heater in winter Tokyo. Just as oppressive as summer imho but at least I can control it to some degree this time of year by removing layers. I even rolled up my sleeves, revealing my genetic muscular forearms. The guy was silent by then (or rather he retracted his elbows and shrank, like how an urchin relaxes its spines) and he just got off now lol. That was fun. I’m really glad I had the highball. It wasn’t needed for work this time, despite all the emotions and academic acid rain dandruff and politicking, but to survive the raw human physicality of the train I need it to enjoy the ride.

But I want to quit alcohol. Do I need to quit Tokyo?